I will die if light touches me.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
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I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
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My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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