Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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