I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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