She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
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I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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