Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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