Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
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Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
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I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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