I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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