I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize