nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
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Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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