would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
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In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
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Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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