just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
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I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
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Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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