Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
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What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
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Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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