Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
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I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
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And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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