The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
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Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I want to be your penis for a week.
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Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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