Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
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She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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