$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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