if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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