I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
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Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
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I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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