What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
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the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
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It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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