Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
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I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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