This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
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Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
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I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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