the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
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This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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