My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
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you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
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You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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