Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
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when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
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I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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