Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize