So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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