There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
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Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
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Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize