If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
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He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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