Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
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Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
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Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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