Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
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I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
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Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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