i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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