I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
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the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
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Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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