Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize