lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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