I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
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She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
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Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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