between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize