My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize