I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
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Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
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you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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