Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
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I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
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I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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