I wanna passion pit in your ass
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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