Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
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bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
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Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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