life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You can't special order awesome
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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