im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
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Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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