I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize