after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
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Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize