Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
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No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
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This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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