I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
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Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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