i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
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That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
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You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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