Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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