After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
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I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
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I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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